12-13-2012, 01:33 AM
(This post was last modified: 12-13-2012, 06:34 AM by Jimmie the Mum.)
Got some quick fire jokes I'm working on to do my part for the Christmas party we intend to have here in da jungle.
need some feedback guys.
A got a call from the police telling me that my house was robbed.
The offenders had also consumed all of my beer and had raped my wife.
A moment of silence passes and I thought to myself, “I can’t believe they fu*ked my wife after only five beers!”
I got a text from my brother recently.
It read. “Can I stay at your house for a while?
The ol' Lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my dick.
.... It just reaches the back of her sister’s throat!”
I was banging this nice Lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.
She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!”
Thinking back, I really should have ran – but you don’t get offers like that every day.
Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching the feck out of this idiot at a party.
In my defence…when I hear an Arab counting down from 10, my instincts tend to kick in.
My wife just came in and said, “I don’t know if I am coming or going.
”I said to her, “Judging by the look on your face, you’re going – ‘cus when you’re coming, you look like a fecking bulldog trying to whistle!”
I saw a fortune teller the other day.
She told me I would come into some money.
Last night I fecked a girl called Penny – is that spooky or what?
The missus asked me, “When you’re on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?”
.... Apparently “Only to stop myself from coming too quickly” wasn’t the right answer.
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning. Can you believe that, 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.
I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...
but she did.
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Strewth, talk about Dyson with death.
Jimmie says "Tank, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."
"Sod that" says Tank, "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"
Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead"
The operator says how do you know?
He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p*nis she had ever laid her hands on.
I said "You're pulling my leg"
Spent £40 on eBay last week for a penis enlarger.
Just opened it and some b* stard's sent me a magnifying glass!
My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker.
Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.
What’s the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
One’s a superhero and the other is an instruction.
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said "I would like to come back as a cow".
I said, "You're obviously not listening".
I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said, "I love you".
She said, "Is that you or the beer talking?"
I replied, "It’s me talking to the beer".
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
need some feedback guys.
A got a call from the police telling me that my house was robbed.
The offenders had also consumed all of my beer and had raped my wife.
A moment of silence passes and I thought to myself, “I can’t believe they fu*ked my wife after only five beers!”
I got a text from my brother recently.
It read. “Can I stay at your house for a while?
The ol' Lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my dick.
.... It just reaches the back of her sister’s throat!”
I was banging this nice Lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.
She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!”
Thinking back, I really should have ran – but you don’t get offers like that every day.
Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching the feck out of this idiot at a party.
In my defence…when I hear an Arab counting down from 10, my instincts tend to kick in.
My wife just came in and said, “I don’t know if I am coming or going.
”I said to her, “Judging by the look on your face, you’re going – ‘cus when you’re coming, you look like a fecking bulldog trying to whistle!”
I saw a fortune teller the other day.
She told me I would come into some money.
Last night I fecked a girl called Penny – is that spooky or what?
The missus asked me, “When you’re on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?”
.... Apparently “Only to stop myself from coming too quickly” wasn’t the right answer.
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning. Can you believe that, 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.
I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...
but she did.
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Strewth, talk about Dyson with death.
Jimmie says "Tank, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."
"Sod that" says Tank, "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"
Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead"
The operator says how do you know?
He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p*nis she had ever laid her hands on.
I said "You're pulling my leg"
Spent £40 on eBay last week for a penis enlarger.
Just opened it and some b* stard's sent me a magnifying glass!
My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker.
Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.
What’s the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
One’s a superhero and the other is an instruction.
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said "I would like to come back as a cow".
I said, "You're obviously not listening".
I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said, "I love you".
She said, "Is that you or the beer talking?"
I replied, "It’s me talking to the beer".
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
The 2 most important days of your life are: The day you were born & the day you find out why
