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Thanks for all of the emails.
#1
[color="#000000"]I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the

past year.
Thanks to you, I  no longer open a public bathroom door
without using a
paper towel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room
because I don't know what the
last person was doing while flipping through
the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because
I can only imagine what
has happened on it since it was last
washed.

I can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood anymore
because
lemon peels have been found to contain all kinds of nasty germs

including feces.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has
been driving because
the number one pastime while driving alone is picking
your nose
(Although cell phone usage may be taking the number one
spot)

Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only

imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the
years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the
floor
of a public bathroom.

I must send my special thanks to whoever
sent me the one about poop in
the glue on envelopes because I now have to
use a wet sponge with every
envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I
have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no
longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
Brown) who
is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer
have any money at all, but that will change once I receive
the $15,000 that
Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their
special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have
363,214 angels looking
out for me and St. Theresa's novena has granted my
every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually
horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use
cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot
day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I

forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it
can
remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking
someone along to watch the
car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back
seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since
the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under
God' on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because
it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of
water in the
microwave anymore because it will blow up in my
face...disfiguring me
for life.

I no longer check the coin return on
pay phones because I could be
pricked with a needle infected with
AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with
a
perfume  sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from
UPS or FedEx since they are actually
Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no
longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our
American
troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because
someone will ask me to dial a
number for or which I will get a phone bill
with calls to Jamaica , Uganda,
Singapore and Uzbekistan .

I no longer
buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have
their 
recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big
brown
African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death
when
it bi tes my butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever
pick up $5.00 dropped in
the parking lot because it probably was placed
there by a sex molester
waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I
can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas

companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people
in the next 70
minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at
5:00 PM
this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back,

causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it

actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's

ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a
wonderful day...
[/color]
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#2
amen
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