08-09-2011, 10:19 AM
I found several jokes that haven't been told here on Stogiechat. So instead of opening maybe 15 or 20 more new threads....I consolidated. Please enjoy them all, or a couple at a time...
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So this photographer for a newspaper is told to go out and take a series of pics of a wildfire in California...
He goes out there, but the landscape is thick and lots of smoke. Can't see much.
So he calls his Editor and says " I need a plane to take some good pics"
The Editor says to go to the small airport in town and there will ba a plane waiting for him.
So he goes to the airport... and there is, indeed, a small plane waiting... all gassed up with a pilot and the plane is running.
He jumps in the plane and says, "GO,GO,GO!!!"
So the pilot takes off and up they go
The photographer says, " Now take a few low passes over the Northeast area of the fire"
The pilot says "WHY!"
He says, "So I can take some pictures... the Editor wants pictures... he'll get pictures!!!"
There is a long pause.......Then the pilot says,.......
"You mean to tell me..... You're NOT the instructor???????"
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A biker feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.
The doctor told him that he should perform a simple informal test to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
"Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "Stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, while his wife was in the kitchen cooking dinner, and the biker was in the den, he says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"
No response.
So the biker moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her... "Honey, what's for dinner?"
"Ralph, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN.
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This mother goes into her sons room one morning to wake him up for school:
MOM: Wake up... it's time to go to school...
Son: I'm not going to school today!
MOM: Give me 2 good reasons why you should'nt go to school today!
Son: Well, the Teachers hate me and the Children hate me!!!
MOM: Oh really?
Son: That's right... Mom, ... give me 2 good reasons why I SHOULD go.
MOM: Well, ... you're 48 years old ... and you're the PRINCIPAL !!!
-----------------
Well, this guy and his wife have two absolutely gorgeous daughters and are trying now for a son.
Sure enough, the wife gets pregnant and after a couple of months and an ultrasound, they find out that it will be a boy!!!! They are overjoyed!!!
9 months later, she delivers a healthy baby boy...
The proud father runs down to the nursery to see his son and he gets the shock of his life....it's the UGLIEST BABY he has ever seen...
He runs up to his wife's hospital room...bursts in and says, " We have two of the most Beautiful daughters, and I could not have fathered what I just saw in the nursery.... YOU HAD TO HAVE CHEATED ON ME!!! "
She smiled and said,
"NOT THIS TIME" !!!
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An oldie but still cute
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A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note:
>>
'Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:
#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that:
#1 - it had been previously occupied,
#2 - there wasn't any heat, and
#3 - it was entirely too large.'
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:
' Dear Sir:
#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.
#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.
So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.
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Hillbilly Mirror:
After living in Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city.
In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, 'How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy.'
He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his daddy, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.
His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn so one day after her husband left; she searched the barn and found the mirror.
As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly B**** he's running around with.'
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All of you ex-educators and lovers of proper English will appreciate this story.
Proper English
On his 74th birthday, A man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.
The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3'. When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded... "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition.
OR ONE COULD END UP WITH A DANGLING PARTICIPLE!!
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Two blond girls were working for the city public works department. ne would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in.
They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked. "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it. Why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."
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An armed hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shoots the guy without hesitation! He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber shoots him also.
Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor. "Did anyone else see my face?" calls the robber. There are a few moments silence, then one elderly Irish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says:
"I think me wife may have caught a glimpse..."
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SCHOOL ANSWERING MACHINE
This is hilarious - no wonder some people were offended! This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School California staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine.
This is the actual answering machine message for the school. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework.
The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though these children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.
The outgoing message:
Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:
To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2
To complain about what we do - Press 3
To swear at staff members - Press 4
To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5
If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8
To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
To complain about school lunches - Press 0
If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!
If you want this in Spanish, move to a country that speaks it!
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Moses died and went to heaven. God greets him at the Pearly Gates. "Are you hungry, Moses?" says God. "I could eat," Moses replies.
So God opens a can of tuna and reaches for a chunk of rye bread and they share it. While eating this humble meal, Moses looks down into Hell and sees the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, briskets, pheasants, pastries and wines.
Curious, but deeply trusting, he remains quiet.
The next day God again invites him to join Him for a meal. Again, it is tuna and rye bread. Once again, Moses can see the denizens of Hell enjoying salmon, champagne, lamb, truffles and chocolates.
Still he says nothing.
The following day, mealtime arrives and another can of tuna is opened. He can't contain himself any longer. Meekly, he says: "God, I am grateful to be in heaven with you as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread, and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! I just don't understand."
God sighs. "Let's be honest," He says. "For just two people, does it pay to cook?"
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Q: Why are Harley's some of the safest bikes on the road?
A: You can't go fast enough to hurt yourself....
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Q. What do you get when you have 32 Harley owners in the same room?
A. A full set of teeth.
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Q: What's the happiest day in a Harley rider's life?
A: When they discover that they can use Right Guard™ under their left arm.
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On a farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.
One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.
Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his cock and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story? (Yes, there's a moral): "When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Harley to pick up chicks."
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Q. Where do you put money to hide it from a harley rider?
A. In the bathroom...under the soap.
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Did you hear about the HD owner who put Odor Eaters™ in his new riding boots?
Two days later, he disappeared.
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Q: Why do Harley riders get buried face down, with their ass cheeks poking out of the ground?
A: So that when their friends come to pay their respects they'll have a place to park their hawgs.
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Q: Why are there only two pallbearers at a Harley funeral.
A: Garbage cans only have two handles!
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Q: Did you hear about the new Italian made Harley Davidsons?
A: When you crank them up dago wop wop wop.
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Q: Did you hear that Harley and the makers of Viagra are teaming up for a new officially licensed and endorsed version of the wonder pill to be available over the counter without a prescription at dealerships across the country?
A: It's called Buyagra and the more you spend, the harder you get.
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Q- What is the most common accessory for Harleys'?
A- A pick-up truck.
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Q-What does a Harley and a hemorrhoid have in common?
A-Sooner or later every asshole gets one.
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Q-Why do they have all those Harley billboards along the highway?
A-So the owners will know how far it is to the next repair shop.
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Q: Why do harley riders never ride faster than 50mph???
A: Any faster and they can't see where the parts fell off.
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Q: Why do harley riders chrome all their parts???
A: It makes them easier to spot on the side of the road.
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Ten MORE Reasons Why Harley Owners Won't Wave At Other Bikers
* Afraid it will invalidate warranty.
* Leather and studs make it too hard to raise arm.
* Refuses to wave to anyone whose bike is already paid for.
* Afraid to let go of handlebars because they might vibrate off.
* Rushing wind would blow scabs off the new tattoos.
* Angry because just took out second mortgage to pay luxury tax on new Harley.
* Just discovered the fine print in owner's manual and realized H-D is * partially owned by those rice-burner manufacturers.
* Can't tell if other riders are waving or just reaching to cover their ears like everyone else.
* Remembers the last time a Harley rider waved back, he impaled his hand on spiked helmet.
* They're jealous that after spending $30,000,they still don't own a BMW K1200 LT
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A Honda rider, a Ducati rider and a Harley Davidson rider were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze after a long day’s ride. All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them, impounding their bikes in the process. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment.
By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheik decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik suddenly said: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The Harley Davidson rider was first in line (he had drunk the most), so he thought about this for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Harley Davidson rider had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.
The Ducati rider was next up (he almost finished an entire fifth by himself), and after watching the scene, said: "All Right! Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through. The Ducati rider had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.
The Honda rider was the last one up (he had drunk the least), but before he could say anything, the Sheik turned to him and said: "You ride a Honda. You support the greatest motorcycle and car producer in the world. I myself ride a Fireblade and have many Acuras in my fleet. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Thanks, your most Royal highness", the Honda rider replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes!"
"Not only are you an honorable and powerful man, you are also very brave" the Sheik says with an admiring look on his face.
"If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asks.
"Tie the Harley Davidson rider to my back." The Honda rider replied.
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Q: What do you call a group of Harley Owners with a collective IQ of 120?
A: Sturgis !
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Q: What's the difference between a Harley Davidson and a Hoover vacuum cleaner?
A: The position of the dirtbag
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Q: How is a Harley Davidson like an old dog?
A: If you leave them alone long enough, they'll both mark their territory.
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Q: What is the difference between a Harley Davidson and an old dog?
A: The dog can get in the back of the pickup by itself.
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Q: Why do Harley owners have tassels on their handlebars and clothing?
A: To be able to tell if they're moving or not !
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A drunk biker is riding through the city and his bike is weaving violently all over the road. An Irish cop pulls him over.
The cop says to the biker, "Where have you been?"
"I've been to the pub," slurs the biker.
"Well," says the cop, "It looks like you've had quite a few."
"I did all right," the biker says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell off the bike?"
"Oh, thank heavens" sighs the biker. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
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A Scottish soldier in full dress marches into a pharmacy to speak to the druggist. The Scot opens his sporran, pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, and opens it to reveal a smaller silk square which he unfolds to reveal a condom which clearly has a number of patches on it. Holding up the condom, the Scot asks the pharmacist, "How much to repair it?".
"Six pence," says the pharmacist.
"How much for a new one" asked the Scot.
"Ten pence" was the reply.
The Scot folds the condom into the silk square and the cotton bandana, places it in his sporran and marches down the aisle and out the door of the pharmacy.
A moment or two later a great shout goes up, followed by an even greater shout.
The Scot walks into the pharmacy again and back to the pharmacist.
"The regiment has taken a vote," the Scot says. "We'll have a new one!"
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Deer Tick Warning:
Send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list -- it's urgent!
If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey
on deer ticks and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around to
shake off the ticks.
DO NOT DO IT !!!
IT IS A SCAM; they only want to see you naked.
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday.
I feel so stupid.
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Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just take the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy . . .
The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.
Now Men . . .
Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
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A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony.
On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.
A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"
The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me."
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts.
Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.
"No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer.
"You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart,it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says.
The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."
"But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."
The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day."
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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some Olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says "No, what?" The bartender screams "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the little b*stard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "No, what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.
Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to sh*t out that cue ball, he measures everything first."
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A hip young man goes out and buys a 2001 Ferrari 360 Spider. It is the best convertible sports car, costing about $250,000. He takes it out for a spin and while stopping for a red light, an old man on a moped, wearing an open face crash helmet (looking about 70 years old) pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over the sleek, shiny red surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
The young man replies, "A 2001 Ferrari 360 Spider. They cost about a quarter of a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do over 200 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?"
"Sure," replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"
Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 220 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!
He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself.
Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And it almost looked like the old man on the moped!
"Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!" Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM! The moped plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain.
He runs up to the old man and says, "You gotta tell me how you got that thing to be faster than my Ferrari !"
The old man looks up and replies, "OK..., but first, unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror, will ya?"
---------------------------------
So this photographer for a newspaper is told to go out and take a series of pics of a wildfire in California...
He goes out there, but the landscape is thick and lots of smoke. Can't see much.
So he calls his Editor and says " I need a plane to take some good pics"
The Editor says to go to the small airport in town and there will ba a plane waiting for him.
So he goes to the airport... and there is, indeed, a small plane waiting... all gassed up with a pilot and the plane is running.
He jumps in the plane and says, "GO,GO,GO!!!"
So the pilot takes off and up they go
The photographer says, " Now take a few low passes over the Northeast area of the fire"
The pilot says "WHY!"
He says, "So I can take some pictures... the Editor wants pictures... he'll get pictures!!!"
There is a long pause.......Then the pilot says,.......
"You mean to tell me..... You're NOT the instructor???????"
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A biker feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.
The doctor told him that he should perform a simple informal test to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
"Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "Stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, while his wife was in the kitchen cooking dinner, and the biker was in the den, he says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"
No response.
So the biker moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her... "Honey, what's for dinner?"
"Ralph, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN.
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This mother goes into her sons room one morning to wake him up for school:
MOM: Wake up... it's time to go to school...
Son: I'm not going to school today!
MOM: Give me 2 good reasons why you should'nt go to school today!
Son: Well, the Teachers hate me and the Children hate me!!!
MOM: Oh really?
Son: That's right... Mom, ... give me 2 good reasons why I SHOULD go.
MOM: Well, ... you're 48 years old ... and you're the PRINCIPAL !!!
-----------------
Well, this guy and his wife have two absolutely gorgeous daughters and are trying now for a son.
Sure enough, the wife gets pregnant and after a couple of months and an ultrasound, they find out that it will be a boy!!!! They are overjoyed!!!
9 months later, she delivers a healthy baby boy...
The proud father runs down to the nursery to see his son and he gets the shock of his life....it's the UGLIEST BABY he has ever seen...
He runs up to his wife's hospital room...bursts in and says, " We have two of the most Beautiful daughters, and I could not have fathered what I just saw in the nursery.... YOU HAD TO HAVE CHEATED ON ME!!! "
She smiled and said,
"NOT THIS TIME" !!!
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An oldie but still cute
---
A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note:
>>
'Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:
#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that:
#1 - it had been previously occupied,
#2 - there wasn't any heat, and
#3 - it was entirely too large.'
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:
' Dear Sir:
#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.
#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.
So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.
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Hillbilly Mirror:
After living in Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city.
In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, 'How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy.'
He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his daddy, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.
His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn so one day after her husband left; she searched the barn and found the mirror.
As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly B**** he's running around with.'
----------------------
All of you ex-educators and lovers of proper English will appreciate this story.
Proper English
On his 74th birthday, A man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.
The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3'. When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded... "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition.
OR ONE COULD END UP WITH A DANGLING PARTICIPLE!!
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Two blond girls were working for the city public works department. ne would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in.
They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked. "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it. Why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."
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An armed hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shoots the guy without hesitation! He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber shoots him also.
Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor. "Did anyone else see my face?" calls the robber. There are a few moments silence, then one elderly Irish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says:
"I think me wife may have caught a glimpse..."
----------------
SCHOOL ANSWERING MACHINE
This is hilarious - no wonder some people were offended! This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School California staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine.
This is the actual answering machine message for the school. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework.
The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though these children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.
The outgoing message:
Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:
To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2
To complain about what we do - Press 3
To swear at staff members - Press 4
To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5
If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8
To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
To complain about school lunches - Press 0
If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!
If you want this in Spanish, move to a country that speaks it!
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Moses died and went to heaven. God greets him at the Pearly Gates. "Are you hungry, Moses?" says God. "I could eat," Moses replies.
So God opens a can of tuna and reaches for a chunk of rye bread and they share it. While eating this humble meal, Moses looks down into Hell and sees the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, briskets, pheasants, pastries and wines.
Curious, but deeply trusting, he remains quiet.
The next day God again invites him to join Him for a meal. Again, it is tuna and rye bread. Once again, Moses can see the denizens of Hell enjoying salmon, champagne, lamb, truffles and chocolates.
Still he says nothing.
The following day, mealtime arrives and another can of tuna is opened. He can't contain himself any longer. Meekly, he says: "God, I am grateful to be in heaven with you as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread, and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! I just don't understand."
God sighs. "Let's be honest," He says. "For just two people, does it pay to cook?"
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Q: Why are Harley's some of the safest bikes on the road?
A: You can't go fast enough to hurt yourself....
=========================================
Q. What do you get when you have 32 Harley owners in the same room?
A. A full set of teeth.
=========================================
Q: What's the happiest day in a Harley rider's life?
A: When they discover that they can use Right Guard™ under their left arm.
=========================================
On a farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.
One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.
Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his cock and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story? (Yes, there's a moral): "When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Harley to pick up chicks."
=========================================
Q. Where do you put money to hide it from a harley rider?
A. In the bathroom...under the soap.
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Did you hear about the HD owner who put Odor Eaters™ in his new riding boots?
Two days later, he disappeared.
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Q: Why do Harley riders get buried face down, with their ass cheeks poking out of the ground?
A: So that when their friends come to pay their respects they'll have a place to park their hawgs.
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Q: Why are there only two pallbearers at a Harley funeral.
A: Garbage cans only have two handles!
=========================================
Q: Did you hear about the new Italian made Harley Davidsons?
A: When you crank them up dago wop wop wop.
=========================================
Q: Did you hear that Harley and the makers of Viagra are teaming up for a new officially licensed and endorsed version of the wonder pill to be available over the counter without a prescription at dealerships across the country?
A: It's called Buyagra and the more you spend, the harder you get.
=========================================
Q- What is the most common accessory for Harleys'?
A- A pick-up truck.
=========================================
Q-What does a Harley and a hemorrhoid have in common?
A-Sooner or later every asshole gets one.
=========================================
Q-Why do they have all those Harley billboards along the highway?
A-So the owners will know how far it is to the next repair shop.
=========================================
Q: Why do harley riders never ride faster than 50mph???
A: Any faster and they can't see where the parts fell off.
=========================================
Q: Why do harley riders chrome all their parts???
A: It makes them easier to spot on the side of the road.
=========================================
Ten MORE Reasons Why Harley Owners Won't Wave At Other Bikers
* Afraid it will invalidate warranty.
* Leather and studs make it too hard to raise arm.
* Refuses to wave to anyone whose bike is already paid for.
* Afraid to let go of handlebars because they might vibrate off.
* Rushing wind would blow scabs off the new tattoos.
* Angry because just took out second mortgage to pay luxury tax on new Harley.
* Just discovered the fine print in owner's manual and realized H-D is * partially owned by those rice-burner manufacturers.
* Can't tell if other riders are waving or just reaching to cover their ears like everyone else.
* Remembers the last time a Harley rider waved back, he impaled his hand on spiked helmet.
* They're jealous that after spending $30,000,they still don't own a BMW K1200 LT
=========================================
A Honda rider, a Ducati rider and a Harley Davidson rider were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze after a long day’s ride. All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them, impounding their bikes in the process. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment.
By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheik decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik suddenly said: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The Harley Davidson rider was first in line (he had drunk the most), so he thought about this for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Harley Davidson rider had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.
The Ducati rider was next up (he almost finished an entire fifth by himself), and after watching the scene, said: "All Right! Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through. The Ducati rider had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.
The Honda rider was the last one up (he had drunk the least), but before he could say anything, the Sheik turned to him and said: "You ride a Honda. You support the greatest motorcycle and car producer in the world. I myself ride a Fireblade and have many Acuras in my fleet. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Thanks, your most Royal highness", the Honda rider replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes!"
"Not only are you an honorable and powerful man, you are also very brave" the Sheik says with an admiring look on his face.
"If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asks.
"Tie the Harley Davidson rider to my back." The Honda rider replied.
=========================================
Q: What do you call a group of Harley Owners with a collective IQ of 120?
A: Sturgis !
=========================================
Q: What's the difference between a Harley Davidson and a Hoover vacuum cleaner?
A: The position of the dirtbag
=========================================
Q: How is a Harley Davidson like an old dog?
A: If you leave them alone long enough, they'll both mark their territory.
=========================================
Q: What is the difference between a Harley Davidson and an old dog?
A: The dog can get in the back of the pickup by itself.
=========================================
Q: Why do Harley owners have tassels on their handlebars and clothing?
A: To be able to tell if they're moving or not !
=========================================
A drunk biker is riding through the city and his bike is weaving violently all over the road. An Irish cop pulls him over.
The cop says to the biker, "Where have you been?"
"I've been to the pub," slurs the biker.
"Well," says the cop, "It looks like you've had quite a few."
"I did all right," the biker says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell off the bike?"
"Oh, thank heavens" sighs the biker. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
---------------------------
A Scottish soldier in full dress marches into a pharmacy to speak to the druggist. The Scot opens his sporran, pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, and opens it to reveal a smaller silk square which he unfolds to reveal a condom which clearly has a number of patches on it. Holding up the condom, the Scot asks the pharmacist, "How much to repair it?".
"Six pence," says the pharmacist.
"How much for a new one" asked the Scot.
"Ten pence" was the reply.
The Scot folds the condom into the silk square and the cotton bandana, places it in his sporran and marches down the aisle and out the door of the pharmacy.
A moment or two later a great shout goes up, followed by an even greater shout.
The Scot walks into the pharmacy again and back to the pharmacist.
"The regiment has taken a vote," the Scot says. "We'll have a new one!"
-----------------------
Deer Tick Warning:
Send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list -- it's urgent!
If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey
on deer ticks and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around to
shake off the ticks.
DO NOT DO IT !!!
IT IS A SCAM; they only want to see you naked.
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday.
I feel so stupid.
-----------------------
Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just take the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy . . .
The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.
Now Men . . .
Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
----------------
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony.
On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.
A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"
The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me."
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts.
Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.
"No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer.
"You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart,it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says.
The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."
"But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."
The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day."
-----------------
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some Olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says "No, what?" The bartender screams "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the little b*stard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "No, what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.
Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to sh*t out that cue ball, he measures everything first."
---------------
A hip young man goes out and buys a 2001 Ferrari 360 Spider. It is the best convertible sports car, costing about $250,000. He takes it out for a spin and while stopping for a red light, an old man on a moped, wearing an open face crash helmet (looking about 70 years old) pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over the sleek, shiny red surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
The young man replies, "A 2001 Ferrari 360 Spider. They cost about a quarter of a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do over 200 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?"
"Sure," replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"
Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 220 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!
He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself.
Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And it almost looked like the old man on the moped!
"Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!" Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM! The moped plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain.
He runs up to the old man and says, "You gotta tell me how you got that thing to be faster than my Ferrari !"
The old man looks up and replies, "OK..., but first, unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror, will ya?"
...moving along...nothing left to see here.
