09-11-2012, 02:25 AM
I was sitting in my local cigar lounge last October/November at about noon... It was just the owner and myself having a good time BSing... Well, we have these two women walk into the shop, one is a decent looking brunette and the other a blonde who kind of scared me in part because was covered in makeup.
The owner of the shop helps them pick out some sticks and asks them if they wanted to smoke them now. They said yes so he offered them a glass of wine which was dropped off by a local winery... They were both excited and sat down. By this time I had decided that the blonde was from Russia. She just had that very distinct sound that made me sure she wasn't from anywhere else in the region. So, being the curious guy that I am I asked, "So are you both from around here?"
The Brunette said she was from a nearby town and the Blonde said she was visiting from France. Deciding to push it a little further to decide if I was correct or not I said, "Your accent makes me think you're originally from Russia". She said, “Yes!! I moved to France when I was 16!!! Almost no one ever knows I’m from Russia! Everyone always says I look czech". Being pleased with myself at having correctly identified yet another Ruskie I just grinned. I honestly couldn't help it; yet, looking back I think that the grin was taken as a smile and some degree of flirtation.
Being the good sport that I am, and not wanting any awkward moments of silence I asked them if they wanted a cut and light. They accepted so I used a punch cutter on both sticks, toasted the brunette's first, had her take her first couple puff's, etc.. As I'm toasting this blonde Russian chick's cigar her friend starts to talk about how she likes the hole in the stick and how it looks like a nice sized... Errr... Stick. They're both laughing their asses off. Me, I don’t know wtf to say. The Russian then looks at me and says, "I bet you have a nice stick too"...
At this point, the owner of the shop comes back into the lounge with two glasses of wine and hands them to these women... He just says, "Well, it sounds like you three are having fun... What are we laughing about?". The Russian says, "We're just talking about long, hard, sticks... (She turns to look at me) My dear, you're really blushing."
I seriously didn't know what to say... Don't get me wrong, had the Russian been at least decent looking, I would have responded back with something pushing me in the direction of getting laid. That said, she looked scary... Like, might even sell your organs on the black market scary, like no amount of makeup in the world could make her look less scary... Like, she could have been some kind of Russian experiment to make guys just run away scary… Like, I thought that I seriously could potentially catch something just being in the same room as her. I’m seriously not trying to me mean, but to say she looked like an middle-aged skank or whore does a gross injustice to skanks and whore’s around the world.
The conversation goes all over the place for about an hour... Finally, they both asked where the restroom was... I told them it was in the back and on the left. They ask if I could show them and being fearful of being alone in the back of the shop with no exits for about 30ft... I hit the vibrate button on my phone (On my phone if I hit the down ringer button and its already on vibrate, it makes it make a vibrating noise) and quickly acted like I had to take the call and told them the owner could do it. He gave me this look like, "You f**ker..."
I guess while they were in the back the two women told the owner that they were artists and were asking about the storefront next to him because they wanted to open an art gallery. He tells them how much it is and gives them the number of the landlord... At this point I sit back down and can hear them in the back. I hear the Russian ask if the owner of the shop would pay for half of the rent for the gallery if she sleeps with him... I hear him say, "No way... Sorry... I'm in a relationship"... Her friend goes, “What If we both f*** you as often as you want”… Again, he turns them down… They started to ask something about me and someone walked into the shop which broke my concentration on what was being said. ---Looking back, I should have ran immediately.
The owner of the shop goes to help this guy who just walked in just as the Russian sits down right next to me, she was no sh*t almost on top of me... I went into panic mode so I said, "I'll be right back.. I need another cigar!" With a smile she says, "We could go into the back with your cigar and see where I can hide it" I gave my best attempt at a laugh considering the circumstances and got up. I go into the Humidor & the owner follows me in... I'm like, "Dude we got to get rid of them..." He goes, "Yeah but I get the feeling there's going to be a huge scene if we don’t do it right" I said, "I completely agree... These birds could go straight bat shit crazy-bunny boiler style on our asses right quick" I get my cigar and we both leave the humidor.
Now, My entire strategy with getting another cigar was to move off the couch and end back up in one of the semi-retro reclining chairs. I figured at least that way I won’t have her hands all over me anymore, won’t have be inches from her freaking face anymore, and won’t have her pushing her t*ts into my face. At first it worked, I put some distance between us and I thought I was in the clear. She starts asking me what I do for a living that allows me to be hanging out at a cigar lounge in the afternoon during the week. I said, "Ehh... This and that"... I could tell the owner was getting a little freaked out being so near her and spilt the beans about how I do different kinds of freelance work in IT.
She then gets up and sits in the chair next to me and goes right into asking me if I wanted to see her p*$$y. Before I could tell her that I'd rather pass, she turned all the way towards me, spread her legs wide open, and placed a hand on her inner thigh. What was before my eyes still causes a certain level of pain. All I could say was, "F**K!!"... I swear... It was like I was paralyzed... I couldn't even close my eyes because the pain was so bad... She says, "You Americans! What's the problem with not wearing any panties? They just cost money and restrict access". Next thing I know she starts asking me If I wanted to f**k her... I said, "You’re not my type..." She says, "That’s okay... We can still f**k." I said, "I'll pass."
Apparently at this point I'm starting to turn red... That’s just what i was told after the fact. My mind is racing because this Russian is between me and the door. I felt like we were about to have a cold war style incident. I didn't know what to do. My goal just became to get the f**k home as soon as possible without a) this woman or her friend to end up in my pants or b) either one of them following me home. She then starts asking me if I wanted her to tie up me and tells me I've got to try it... She's trying to convince me that totally losing control is the best experience ever. I said, "I'm really not big on the idea of letting you tie me up." She says, “It’s okay… I’ll be really gentle. I know how to treat a man...” her friend then says, “What if I’m there? Would you feel comfortable with it then?”… The worst part of this entire thing was how calm and serious they were. I can tell 100% of the time if a woman is just messing with me, and this was unfortunately NOT one of those times.
She then gets up from her chair and clearly and intentionally falls right towards my lap. Fearing that she'll try to grab my package I used my fastest reflexes to jump out of the chair and get out of the way as fast as possible. She catches herself just says, "Why didn't you catch me? I can do things for you that no American girl could ever do. You’ll love it, I promise"
With her finally out of my way and no longer between me and the door I just said, "I gotta go!"... I even half spoke over the last part of what she was saying because I wanted to get out of there as fast as possible.
I was told afterwards that the owner had to kick them out, but the regulars I talked to later said that they wouldn't stop talking about sleeping with me. I think everyone was freaked out by the entire incident. The worst part was everything I’d seen… But, I feel lucky. I keep telling myself it could have been worse. Had I met those women at a bar or had been drinking anything; they could have, and probably would have drugged me. I could have had who knows what done to me. At least then maybe I wouldn’t have remembered.
Yeah, I tell myself I was lucky… But was I really? The things I’ve seen.
The entire experience has destroyed my love for Russian women... I can’t even stand to hear them speak anymore. I had a hard time looking at any blonde for at least 3 months. Even now, I've yet to fully recover. No amount of eye bleach has helped.... And, it’s turned into the story that everyone at the shop likes to tell themselves anytime the topic of women comes up. Needless to say, it's brought up at least twice a day and it’s been almost a year.
Was I really lucky? I don’t know… I’ve had permanent psychological damage done. What’s worse... I now have a string of almost a dozen stories about crazy women I’ve met ever since. Everything from a crazy bible thumper TO one who handed me a screwdriver in the morning (no warning about the vodka). My friends are starting to say that I’m now attracting crazy’s one after another.
At the time I didn't think it was funny... But, Looking back and considering the frequency at which its been told for the last year... Yes, I guess it’s a funny story...
The owner of the shop helps them pick out some sticks and asks them if they wanted to smoke them now. They said yes so he offered them a glass of wine which was dropped off by a local winery... They were both excited and sat down. By this time I had decided that the blonde was from Russia. She just had that very distinct sound that made me sure she wasn't from anywhere else in the region. So, being the curious guy that I am I asked, "So are you both from around here?"
The Brunette said she was from a nearby town and the Blonde said she was visiting from France. Deciding to push it a little further to decide if I was correct or not I said, "Your accent makes me think you're originally from Russia". She said, “Yes!! I moved to France when I was 16!!! Almost no one ever knows I’m from Russia! Everyone always says I look czech". Being pleased with myself at having correctly identified yet another Ruskie I just grinned. I honestly couldn't help it; yet, looking back I think that the grin was taken as a smile and some degree of flirtation.
Being the good sport that I am, and not wanting any awkward moments of silence I asked them if they wanted a cut and light. They accepted so I used a punch cutter on both sticks, toasted the brunette's first, had her take her first couple puff's, etc.. As I'm toasting this blonde Russian chick's cigar her friend starts to talk about how she likes the hole in the stick and how it looks like a nice sized... Errr... Stick. They're both laughing their asses off. Me, I don’t know wtf to say. The Russian then looks at me and says, "I bet you have a nice stick too"...
At this point, the owner of the shop comes back into the lounge with two glasses of wine and hands them to these women... He just says, "Well, it sounds like you three are having fun... What are we laughing about?". The Russian says, "We're just talking about long, hard, sticks... (She turns to look at me) My dear, you're really blushing."
I seriously didn't know what to say... Don't get me wrong, had the Russian been at least decent looking, I would have responded back with something pushing me in the direction of getting laid. That said, she looked scary... Like, might even sell your organs on the black market scary, like no amount of makeup in the world could make her look less scary... Like, she could have been some kind of Russian experiment to make guys just run away scary… Like, I thought that I seriously could potentially catch something just being in the same room as her. I’m seriously not trying to me mean, but to say she looked like an middle-aged skank or whore does a gross injustice to skanks and whore’s around the world.
The conversation goes all over the place for about an hour... Finally, they both asked where the restroom was... I told them it was in the back and on the left. They ask if I could show them and being fearful of being alone in the back of the shop with no exits for about 30ft... I hit the vibrate button on my phone (On my phone if I hit the down ringer button and its already on vibrate, it makes it make a vibrating noise) and quickly acted like I had to take the call and told them the owner could do it. He gave me this look like, "You f**ker..."
I guess while they were in the back the two women told the owner that they were artists and were asking about the storefront next to him because they wanted to open an art gallery. He tells them how much it is and gives them the number of the landlord... At this point I sit back down and can hear them in the back. I hear the Russian ask if the owner of the shop would pay for half of the rent for the gallery if she sleeps with him... I hear him say, "No way... Sorry... I'm in a relationship"... Her friend goes, “What If we both f*** you as often as you want”… Again, he turns them down… They started to ask something about me and someone walked into the shop which broke my concentration on what was being said. ---Looking back, I should have ran immediately.
The owner of the shop goes to help this guy who just walked in just as the Russian sits down right next to me, she was no sh*t almost on top of me... I went into panic mode so I said, "I'll be right back.. I need another cigar!" With a smile she says, "We could go into the back with your cigar and see where I can hide it" I gave my best attempt at a laugh considering the circumstances and got up. I go into the Humidor & the owner follows me in... I'm like, "Dude we got to get rid of them..." He goes, "Yeah but I get the feeling there's going to be a huge scene if we don’t do it right" I said, "I completely agree... These birds could go straight bat shit crazy-bunny boiler style on our asses right quick" I get my cigar and we both leave the humidor.
Now, My entire strategy with getting another cigar was to move off the couch and end back up in one of the semi-retro reclining chairs. I figured at least that way I won’t have her hands all over me anymore, won’t have be inches from her freaking face anymore, and won’t have her pushing her t*ts into my face. At first it worked, I put some distance between us and I thought I was in the clear. She starts asking me what I do for a living that allows me to be hanging out at a cigar lounge in the afternoon during the week. I said, "Ehh... This and that"... I could tell the owner was getting a little freaked out being so near her and spilt the beans about how I do different kinds of freelance work in IT.
She then gets up and sits in the chair next to me and goes right into asking me if I wanted to see her p*$$y. Before I could tell her that I'd rather pass, she turned all the way towards me, spread her legs wide open, and placed a hand on her inner thigh. What was before my eyes still causes a certain level of pain. All I could say was, "F**K!!"... I swear... It was like I was paralyzed... I couldn't even close my eyes because the pain was so bad... She says, "You Americans! What's the problem with not wearing any panties? They just cost money and restrict access". Next thing I know she starts asking me If I wanted to f**k her... I said, "You’re not my type..." She says, "That’s okay... We can still f**k." I said, "I'll pass."
Apparently at this point I'm starting to turn red... That’s just what i was told after the fact. My mind is racing because this Russian is between me and the door. I felt like we were about to have a cold war style incident. I didn't know what to do. My goal just became to get the f**k home as soon as possible without a) this woman or her friend to end up in my pants or b) either one of them following me home. She then starts asking me if I wanted her to tie up me and tells me I've got to try it... She's trying to convince me that totally losing control is the best experience ever. I said, "I'm really not big on the idea of letting you tie me up." She says, “It’s okay… I’ll be really gentle. I know how to treat a man...” her friend then says, “What if I’m there? Would you feel comfortable with it then?”… The worst part of this entire thing was how calm and serious they were. I can tell 100% of the time if a woman is just messing with me, and this was unfortunately NOT one of those times.
She then gets up from her chair and clearly and intentionally falls right towards my lap. Fearing that she'll try to grab my package I used my fastest reflexes to jump out of the chair and get out of the way as fast as possible. She catches herself just says, "Why didn't you catch me? I can do things for you that no American girl could ever do. You’ll love it, I promise"
With her finally out of my way and no longer between me and the door I just said, "I gotta go!"... I even half spoke over the last part of what she was saying because I wanted to get out of there as fast as possible.
I was told afterwards that the owner had to kick them out, but the regulars I talked to later said that they wouldn't stop talking about sleeping with me. I think everyone was freaked out by the entire incident. The worst part was everything I’d seen… But, I feel lucky. I keep telling myself it could have been worse. Had I met those women at a bar or had been drinking anything; they could have, and probably would have drugged me. I could have had who knows what done to me. At least then maybe I wouldn’t have remembered.
Yeah, I tell myself I was lucky… But was I really? The things I’ve seen.
The entire experience has destroyed my love for Russian women... I can’t even stand to hear them speak anymore. I had a hard time looking at any blonde for at least 3 months. Even now, I've yet to fully recover. No amount of eye bleach has helped.... And, it’s turned into the story that everyone at the shop likes to tell themselves anytime the topic of women comes up. Needless to say, it's brought up at least twice a day and it’s been almost a year.
Was I really lucky? I don’t know… I’ve had permanent psychological damage done. What’s worse... I now have a string of almost a dozen stories about crazy women I’ve met ever since. Everything from a crazy bible thumper TO one who handed me a screwdriver in the morning (no warning about the vodka). My friends are starting to say that I’m now attracting crazy’s one after another.
At the time I didn't think it was funny... But, Looking back and considering the frequency at which its been told for the last year... Yes, I guess it’s a funny story...