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try being stupid !!! Anniversary present
#1
Long read but funny

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary
submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a
little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer. The effects of the Tazer were
supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety . . . ?

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I
loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I
was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed
it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the
face of the microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? There I sat in
my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I
was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this
thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and
then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to
give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want
some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
Tazer in another. The directions said that: a one-second burst would shock
and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle
spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less
than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries);
pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened
next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.



I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so
as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such
a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a
one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . . . .
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE . . .!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the
recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over
again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with
tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere
to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position,
and tingling in my legs!

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a
picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid
getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.


Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of
caution: There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be
considered conservative!


A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that
point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the
landscape.

** My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.

** The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
originally was.

** My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

** My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip
weighed 88 lbs.

** I had no control over the drooling.

** Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure,
and my sense of smell was gone.

** I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
** I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward
for their safe return!

P.S. . . . My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and
now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!
.

We cross our bridges when we come to them and burn them behind us, with nothing to show for our progress except a memory of the smell of smoke, and a presumption that once our eyes watered.

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#2
LMAO
If Sonny had EZ-Pass, he'd have survived that hit...
Never apologize mister, it's a sign of weakness. - Capt. Nathan Cutting Brittles
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#3
Lol
--Mike
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#4
NICE
As Mr. Mum says "make the time you wont regret it"
2010 the year I got my a$$ handed to me from my fellow SC brothers!
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#5
i love that story.
Jonathan Charles Axisa, my beloved son, 11/7/1979 - 7/8/2010

Ғµ(Ķ Cancer
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#6
LOL
THEY CALL ME THE SHEPHERD!!! AKA LK HUNTER, FACE BOOK MARIO HUNTER, THE GREAT ONE HUNTER, ETC.
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#7
And after reading the title, I thought it was about "SJS" (stupid just stupid).Tongue
They call me The Mum - Jimmie the Mum
Viva Mumcero - Mahk 12/4/2010 - http://www.stogiechat.com/forum/thread-20737.html
Honorary Shield Brother
Weak people seek Revenge, Strong people Forgive, Intelligent people Ignore
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#8
good haha love thats story.........











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