Blond Jokes

[Tonto]

DISNEYLAND
Two blondes were going to Disneyland . They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.



FLORIDA OR MOON
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'



CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, 'What's the story?'

He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'

She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'



SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'



RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'



AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?

'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'

'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'



KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'

'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'



BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'

The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'

The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'



IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'



FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!

[jollymon16]

This blonde cop stops a blonde driver and asks for identification.

The blonde driver looks all around in her purse and can’t find her license. “I must have left it at home, officer.”

“Well, do you have any kind of identification on you?” asks the cop.

The blonde takes out a pocket mirror and says, “I do have this picture of me.”

“Let me see it,” says the cop. She holds up the mirror and looks in it. Then she says, “Sorry. If I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn’t have stopped you.”


Two blondes decided that this Christmas they wanted to cut down their own Christmas tree. So they drove two hours into the country and walked deep into the woods to find the perfect Christmas tree. They had planned the trip well, especially considering that they were blond. They were dressed warmly with boots, warm coats and hats. They had a chain saw, hatchet, a bag to protect the tree and rope to drag it back to their car. Every detail was covered.

They searched and searched. They had gone to all this trouble, nothing but the prefect tree would do. They searched for hours through knee deep snow and biting wind. Finally, five hours later with the sun beginning to go down, one blonde says to the other, "I can't take this anymore. I give up! There are hundreds of beautiful trees out here. Let's just pick one whether it's decorated or not!"

Two blondes went to the pound where each adopted a puppy. The joy of their new best friend was quickly overshadowed when they got home and the first blonde said, "I think we're in trouble, how are we going to tell them apart?"

This lead to several hours of concentration until finally, the second blonde said, "I've got an idea. We'll tie a red bow around my puppy and a blue bow around yours."

The next day the first blonde comes running up to the second when she got home, "Oh no, I can't tell whose puppy is whose. They've pulled the ribbons off while they were playing."

"OK, we need to find a better way to tell them apart," says the second blonde. After several more hours of concentration, they came up with the bright idea of getting different colored collars.

Again, the next day, the first blonde comes running up to the second as soon as she gets home, "Oh no, I can't tell whose puppy is whose. They've pulled their collars off while they were playing."

"There's got to be some way to tell them apart," says the second blonde.

After several more hours of concentration, the first blonde finally comes up with another idea, "I know! Why don't you take the black one and I'll take the white one!"

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders she would need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked.

"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb...and I also know that I'm not blonde. - Dolly Parton

[Skipper the cigar aFISHinodo]

blonde medical dictionary

Artery . . . . . . . . . . . Study of paintings
Anally . . . . . . . . . . . Occurring yearly
Bacteria . . . . . . . . . . Back door to cafeteria
Barium . . . . . . . . . . . What doctors do to their patients when treatment fails
Benign . . . . . . . . . . . What you be, after you be eight
Bowel . . . . . . . . . . . Letter like A, E, I, O and U
Caesarian Section. . . . . . A district in Rome
Catarrh . . . . . . . . . . . Stringed instrument
CAT Scan. . . . . . . . . . . Searching for Kitty
Cauterize. . . . . . . . . . Made eye contact with her
Colic. . . . . . . . . . . . A sheep dog
Coma . . . . . . . . . . . . A punctuation mark
Congenital . . . . . . . . . . . Friendly
D & C. . . . . . . . . . . . . Where Washington is
Diarrhea . . . . . . . . . . . Journal of daily events
Dilate . . . . . . . . . . . To live longer than your kids do
Enema. . . . . . . . . . . . Not a friend
Fester . . . . . . . . . . . Quicker than someone else
Fibula . . . . . . . . . . . A small lie
Genital. . . . . . . . . . . Non-Jewish person
G.I. Series. . . . . . . . . . World Series of military baseball
Grippe . . . . . . . . . . . Suitcase
Hangnail . . . . . . . . . . Coat hook
High Colonic . . . . . . . . . . . Jewish religious service
Hospital . . . . . . . . . . The biggest building in town, other than Joe's feed warehouse or Frank's lumber mill
Impotent . . . . . . . . . . Distinguished, well known
Intense Pain . . . . . . . . . . . Tortue in a teepee
Labour Pain . . . . . . . . . Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff. . . . . . . . A Doctor's cane, sometimes shown with a snake
Morbid . . . . . . . . . . . A higher offer than I bid
Nitrate . . . . . . . . . . Cheaper than day rate
Node . . . . . . . . . . . . Was aware of
Outpatient . . . . . . . . . A person who has fainted
Pap Smear. . . . . . . . . . Fatherhood test
Pelvis . . . . . . . . . . . Cousin to Elvis
Post Operative . . . . . . . Letter carrier
Prostrate . . . . . . . . . . . Flat on your back
Protein . . . . . . . . . . . Favouring young people
Recovery Room. . . . . . . . Place to do upholstery
Rectum . . . . . . . . . . . Damn near killed him
Rheumatic . . . . . . . . . . . Amorous
Scar . . . . . . . . . . . Rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion. . . . . . . . . . Hiding something
Seizure. . . . . . . . . . . Famous Roman Emperor who lived in the Ceasarean Section
Serology . . . . . . . . . . . Study of knighthood
Tablet . . . . . . . . . . . A small table to change babies on
Terminal Illness . . . . . . Getting sick at the train station
Testicle . . . . . . . . . . . Examination for ticklishness
Tibia . . . . . . . . . . . Country in North Africa
Tumour . . . . . . . . . . . . An extra pair
Urine . . . . . . . . . . . . Opposite of you're out
Varicose . . . . . . . . . . Located nearby
Vein . . . . . . . . . . . Conceited

---

There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field. She was in a boat rowing, with no water in sight. The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, “What do you think you’re doing? It’s things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I’d come out there and kick your butt!”

[The Diamond Lion]

Here's a variation on Skipper's last joke:

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blond jokes. Suddenly, a blond woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
"I've heard enough of your stupid blond jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blonds, but women in general... and all in the name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blond yells, "You stay out of this, Mister! I'm talking to that little $hit on your knee!"

[Teck1337]

lol

[wtfdic]

LMFAO

[Skipper the cigar aFISHinodo]

Three blonde friends died together in a car wreck. They found themselves standing in front of the pearly gates with St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter heaven, they had to tell him what Easter was about.

The first blonde said, "Easter is a big holiday where we give thanks, have a big feast and eat turkey."

"Nooooo," said St. Peter. "You don't get in."

The second blonde said, "Easter is the holiday that we celebrate Jesus' being born of the virgin and give gifts to each other."

"Nooooo," said St. Peter. "You don't get in, either."

The third blonde said, "Well, I know what Easter is all about. Easter is a Christian holiday which coincides with the Jewish Passover. After Jesus celebrated Passover with His disciples, He was betrayed by Judas and turned over to the Romans. They crucified Him on a cross. After He died, they buried him in a tomb and put a huge boulder in front of it."

"Very good!" said St. Peter.

The blonde continued. "Now, every year, the Jews roll the stone away and Jesus comes out. If He sees his shadow, we have 6 more weeks of basketball."

St. Peter fainted!

[Tonto]

[The Diamond Lion]

LOL!!! That is awesome!!!

[chris1980]

LOL hahaha